On New Adventures

After three miscarriages, a trip to Europe, many date nights, a lot of tears (happy and sad), we are happy to announce…

baby

We made a little squiggle!

Our squiggle has a tiny little heartbeat, fingernails, a face, and all of the love in the entire world!

We are super excited for the upcoming year and I know we have some great adventures in store!

We are hoping to move out of the city to the small town where my parents live as my husband is hoping to secure a job working in camp (industry) so we can save up some money for a little hobbit hole.

The belly is on it’s way and this mama is hoping that any day the morning/afternoon/evening sickness is on it’s way out.

While it sucks being sick a lot, it’s all for this little peanut/blessing.

We are so happy, and so lucky to have been blessed by this little miracle baby.

 

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Pain, Suffering, and Tattoos

 

It’s great to look outside today and see the amazing weather and my hormones are finally levelling out to match the calmness I see out there.

Friday I had a D&C. Not that it was entirely unexpected. But it happened fast.

Wednesday I got the call that all of the ultrasounds and blood work confirmed what we already suspected.

Thursday I was put on the emergency surgery list but I guess they ended up being too busy so Friday was the day.

I went into it with a decent attitude. I think because I knew that there was never a fetus helped a lot with the mindset. I also had my mom in town and my husband had the day off work so I had my support system with me.

The doctors, anaesthesiologist, RT, nurses and everyone involved were amazing. They were comforting and kind and put up with the demanding attitude I had to get the tube out of my throat when I woke up (I don’t remember this at all.)

All in all – and all things considering – it was a fairly painless experience. The worst part was probably the fact that I didn’t get to eat for two days!

As of now, I haven’t had any cramping or pain and the worst of my worries has been the hormone craziness the last couple days – moodiness, anger, sadness, all of those things at once.

The most amazing part of the whole thing is that yesterday my husband and I were sitting out on a deck having a beverage and he is telling me how proud he is of me for going through all of the physical aspects of this ordeal. Then he says, “You know what, you had to suffer, so I’m going to too. I’m going to go get a tattoo right now.”

I laughed and thought it was cute of him to offer but didn’t really think anything of it since he doesn’t have any… and I have a bunch of them.

Once we left the place we were hanging out at he says, “Okay let’s go find a tattoo place.”   I didn’t think he was serious!

So an hour later, he has an arrow on the inside of his arm as a reminder of the trial that we went through together.  I couldn’t ask for a sweeter, more amazing husband.

The Waiting Game

This weekend did not go as planned.

On Friday I got a phone call that the ultrasound clinic had a cancellation and they were able to fit me in last minute. I was so excited as it had been weeks that I’d been waiting to have the ultrasound and I was happy I didn’t have to wait another 4 days.

Luckily my husband wasn’t working on Friday so he was able to come with as well.

The ultrasound proceeded as normal (uncomfortable, you know the type) but the tech didn’t say anything the whole time. I was trying to crane my neck around and see the screen – which I know would be futile anyway since it all looks like the 1980’s version of Asteroids.

It was a lot shorter than I expected and she left the room right after, saying she needed to show them to the doctor. Last time I had an ultrasound was for the ectopic and she told me right away that she didn’t see anything so I was slightly confused as to why I wasn’t given any information whatsoever.

Once she left I just started to feel very uneasy about the whole thing. Don’t they usually say “And that’s your little peanut!” That’s the conversation I had been waiting for.

So she left. And we waited. And my husband kept telling me that everything is fine and I kept telling him that I was scared. Trying to stay positive but not really convincing myself of it.

Finally the tech came back with the radiologist.

The radiologist said, “Yeah, I’m not sure I have good news for you.”

After that I hear words in the background.

The sac is measuring 27 mm and generally anything larger than 25 mm they will be able to see an embryo. She’ll send the info to the obstetrician. You’ll have to come in for another ultrasound in 10 days. She hates having to tell people this. Words words words.

All I can think of is, please get the %&$# out of this room so I don’t have to stand here trying not to cry any longer, nodding my head at you like I heard anything past your, “no good news” sentence.

There are several worst parts about all of this.

The obvious. 3 missed pregnancies and they start to worry. That’s why you start getting tests done. The upside: At least now I will get tests done.

Next, I have no idea what’s actually going on. My best guess is a blighted ovum (which means the sac forms but nothing actually grows inside it. Which means technically I didn’t lose a baby per say, but the affect is the same. My body is changing and I’m emotionally invested in something so it doesn’t make it any better.

Finally, we are heading on our honeymoon in a couple weeks to Italy and there is no way I am going to wait to see if I “naturally miscarry.” That usually happens around week 12 which will most likely be smack in the middle of our trip. HA. Yeah, no thank you.

So there are going to be some decisions made in the next few weeks. I will obviously have another ultrasound and most likely some more HCG blood work.

Hopefully this will give us some more definitive answers. Then its a matter of removing the tissue which goes one of two ways.  The pharmaceutical way (which I heard is a real treat, especially for someone who’s had two miscarriages already) and the surgical way, which I’m not sure they would have time to book me in for before the trip.

What a wonderful place to be in right now…

Unfortunately, my hopes are not up at this point. It would honestly be a miracle – which I welcome – but I’m certainly not holding out hope.  It’s hard to keep pumping yourself up with positivity only to be crushed by disappointment. It’s terrible, but almost easier to just expect the worst and not be disappointed, especially at this stage where it’s very likely to not have a happy ending.

Does anyone out there know of someone who was told that the ultrasound techs didn’t see anything but then at a later date, they did find an embryo?

 

Spring: New Beginnings

It’s been a whirlwind of a year so far!

Hubby finally finished school, I started a new job, and we’ve just been enjoying life, taking it day by day and enjoying this beautiful city we live in. (If you’ve never visited Victoria, BC or Vancouver Island, I recommend you give it a Google.. you might have your next trip planned out.)

After the my last post, I left feeling like we needed some time to compose ourselves and figure some things out.

I had decided at that point that I was going to go back on birth control so we could take some time to figure it out. Turns out I liked the theory of that more than the practice so we ended up using one of the more ancient forms of birth control.

Fast forward a couple months and well, we are 7 weeks pregnant!

While there is always that nagging voice in the back of my mind – especially since I haven’t had my first ultrasound yet – I am feeling positive with the new season and the place we are in right now.

Our first ultrasound is a week tomorrow (19th) and we are super excited to get to see that peanut!

We have to thank all of our friends and family who have had us in their prayers through the months – I honestly think that has made a huge difference in our journey. We are so blessed to both have such amazing families that care so much.

My mom surprised us with ice cream bars and pickles yesterday which was adorable. (I don’t think I’m quite ready to eat those together though.. ew.)

I had a bit of nausea over the past week but this week has not been so bad.  I would say it’s less nausea than it is just outright disgust at the thought of eating most foods.

Hopefully it doesn’t get much worse over the next couple weeks as they say morning sickness and nausea usually gets the worst over week 7 and 8.

I’m holding hope that the lack of nausea is because it’s a boy 😉

My hubby’s aunt thinks it’s a boy, I had a dream it was a boy, and my mom did the sewing needle test yesterday and it also thinks it’s going to be a boy! (If you want to know what the sewing needle test is, I included a link here. It’s silly and maybe a bit hokey sounding but I think it’s just a fun and goofy thing to do.)

Of course, we will be happy no matter what! 10 fingers and 10 toes 🙂

 

 

Taking a Break

Taking a Break After Miscarriage

I think it’s time to face the facts. My body clearly isn’t ready.

Even after the first miscarriage I thought, “I don’t need to take a break, I just want to keep trying until it works!”

But eventually the hormone fluctuations, the questions, and the emotional burden all take a toll. The stress of wondering if it’s viable or not is more than I have the capacity for right now.

At this point, hubby and I have come to the decision to take a much needed break from the emotional turmoil we’ve faced over the last couple of months.

Coming through the new year and having had some meditation time, I think it is in both of our best interests to take some time to focus on us, focus on finishing school, and spend some time healing together.

I think it would be foolish of me to assume that there would be a 100% success rate the third time around.

I can’t imagine going through a miscarriage again during the last four months of hubby finishing school. His work is already emotionally exhausting and putting that stress on him is just plain silly.

So, after much discussion, we’ll be back on the birth control train once I get the last of my blood work done.

Strangely, I’m not sad about it. I’ve really come to terms with the fact that the most important thing right now is focusing on our relationship, healing my body, my mind and my soul, and focusing on outside things like my job and getting hubby through school.

I’ve become really motivated to change things for the better in our lives. Learning, growing, helping others, and improving our lives as a whole.

I think that once I feel like I’ve accomplished some of those things, we will be ready again.

My goal is to become a better wife and a better human first, and I suppose it will just be a bit of a longer road to becoming mommy.

My Un-Resolution

My Un-Resolution

I’m not much of a supporter of New Year’s resolutions.

I didn’t bother posting a top 10 list of the things I’m going to do this year. It’s not that I don’t have goals for myself, but I have this thing about not setting myself up for disappointment.

Some might think it a bit dark or negative but if you don’t set unreasonable goals for yourself, then you’ll be less likely to beat yourself up about not completing them.

Like the person who promises themselves that they will go to the gym 4 times a week but then ends up only going twice, feels bad about it and ends up eating an entire cake and never going to the gym again.

I would rather say, “I’ll be happy with myself if I go for a couple of walks this week.” If I go every day, great! If I go twice because it was raining a lot during the week, oh well.

I don’t see it as unmotivated, I just don’t see the point of making yourself feel bad and making your motivation even worse than it was before.

Or spending $100 on a gym membership that you’re going to use 3 times and then tell yourself you’re going to go tomorrow. And then tomorrow.

Why not just buy a 10 punch pass and use that? Congratulate yourself if you use it up! At least you can build a habit before committing your unmotivated self to that sort of financial burden.

The main reason for my attitude on the subject right now is my unwillingness to let myself be weighed down by my miscarriages. 

I saw a bunch of Twitter posts over the last week similar to this:

bump twitter

Do I want myself to be burdened by the possibility that this may not happen?

I would rather let things happen as they are supposed to, rather than set a goal that may just disappoint me over and over again.

Do I have a positive outlook about the coming year? Absolutely I do.

But I think it would be unfair to my emotional self to set up this coming year as the one where we have to start a family.

As women, we face so many pressures already. To dress well, take care of ourselves, take care of our families, keep in contact with friends, keep a tidy home, have a career.. the list goes on. Even if no one is telling you to do these things, I’m sure you subconsciously feel most of them.

If I make a resolution this year, it will be to put less pressure on myself. To let things happen as they are supposed to. To be happy with the things that I complete and to not be disappointed in the things that I don’t.

 

A Second Opinion

Tubal Pregnancy

I finally got in to the doctor for the follow up of my ultrasound and the picture is finally getting a little bit clearer.

According to the doctor that I saw yesterday, there is no doubt in her mind that I did, in fact, get pregnant again.

Talk about a shocker. After being told by the maternity doctor and the emergency room physician that my HCG levels were just a carry-over from the initial miscarriage, the doctor from yesterday said that she has no idea how they would have come to that conclusion.

On the first beta-HCG blood test that I had a couple weeks ago, my levels were at 1750. Higher than a pregnant women at 5 weeks.

I don’t understand how the other doctors thought that those levels would have hung on from a miscarriage a month and a half prior!!

Now that the tissue has passed, hopefully my levels will drop faster and I will need less blood work. The doc called for 2 blood tests per week for the foreseeable future until my levels are back down to 50. (A pregnancy test will come back positive at anything over 50).  At the point of my last blood test, my levels were at 900 still.

The unfortunate part about the entire thing is that the doctor I saw last night was almost certain that I had a tubal pregnancy.

A tubal pregnancy is defined as “an ectopic pregnancy in which the fetus develops in a fallopian tube.”

So while I did get pregnant again, this pregnancy was even less viable than the last one. Under no circumstances can a tubal pregnancy turn into a viable pregnancy but what it can do is cause life threatening bleeding or rupturing.

I’m relieved that my body decided to process the tissue on its own instead of me having to get a surgical procedure to remove it.

I am super sad that once again, I was excited about the possibility of a baby only to be let down by another miscarriage.

Doctors say that they aren’t generally alarmed by miscarriages until you have at least three so I suppose for me, third time will have to be the charm!

In conclusion, all of the sickness and pregnancy symptoms in the last month and a half weren’t in my head, which is a relief to me.

But I am really disappointed that yet again, the pregnancy didn’t work out.

I just have to hold on to that hope that one day, that little embryo will head its way down to where it needs to be and hang on for dear life.