The Waiting Game

This weekend did not go as planned.

On Friday I got a phone call that the ultrasound clinic had a cancellation and they were able to fit me in last minute. I was so excited as it had been weeks that I’d been waiting to have the ultrasound and I was happy I didn’t have to wait another 4 days.

Luckily my husband wasn’t working on Friday so he was able to come with as well.

The ultrasound proceeded as normal (uncomfortable, you know the type) but the tech didn’t say anything the whole time. I was trying to crane my neck around and see the screen – which I know would be futile anyway since it all looks like the 1980’s version of Asteroids.

It was a lot shorter than I expected and she left the room right after, saying she needed to show them to the doctor. Last time I had an ultrasound was for the ectopic and she told me right away that she didn’t see anything so I was slightly confused as to why I wasn’t given any information whatsoever.

Once she left I just started to feel very uneasy about the whole thing. Don’t they usually say “And that’s your little peanut!” That’s the conversation I had been waiting for.

So she left. And we waited. And my husband kept telling me that everything is fine and I kept telling him that I was scared. Trying to stay positive but not really convincing myself of it.

Finally the tech came back with the radiologist.

The radiologist said, “Yeah, I’m not sure I have good news for you.”

After that I hear words in the background.

The sac is measuring 27 mm and generally anything larger than 25 mm they will be able to see an embryo. She’ll send the info to the obstetrician. You’ll have to come in for another ultrasound in 10 days. She hates having to tell people this. Words words words.

All I can think of is, please get the %&$# out of this room so I don’t have to stand here trying not to cry any longer, nodding my head at you like I heard anything past your, “no good news” sentence.

There are several worst parts about all of this.

The obvious. 3 missed pregnancies and they start to worry. That’s why you start getting tests done. The upside: At least now I will get tests done.

Next, I have no idea what’s actually going on. My best guess is a blighted ovum (which means the sac forms but nothing actually grows inside it. Which means technically I didn’t lose a baby per say, but the affect is the same. My body is changing and I’m emotionally invested in something so it doesn’t make it any better.

Finally, we are heading on our honeymoon in a couple weeks to Italy and there is no way I am going to wait to see if I “naturally miscarry.” That usually happens around week 12 which will most likely be smack in the middle of our trip. HA. Yeah, no thank you.

So there are going to be some decisions made in the next few weeks. I will obviously have another ultrasound and most likely some more HCG blood work.

Hopefully this will give us some more definitive answers. Then its a matter of removing the tissue which goes one of two ways.  The pharmaceutical way (which I heard is a real treat, especially for someone who’s had two miscarriages already) and the surgical way, which I’m not sure they would have time to book me in for before the trip.

What a wonderful place to be in right now…

Unfortunately, my hopes are not up at this point. It would honestly be a miracle – which I welcome – but I’m certainly not holding out hope.  It’s hard to keep pumping yourself up with positivity only to be crushed by disappointment. It’s terrible, but almost easier to just expect the worst and not be disappointed, especially at this stage where it’s very likely to not have a happy ending.

Does anyone out there know of someone who was told that the ultrasound techs didn’t see anything but then at a later date, they did find an embryo?



One thought on “The Waiting Game

  1. Oh my god, I’m so sorry…what a brave post for you to write. Sending lots of good feelings and hopes that it will be good news and that the next ultrasound comes through to you. x


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